I deleted your number. It’s hard to not talk to you and it makes it easier when I don’t have your number. I’m so sad about it though. It’s silly because we are very clearly in different places right now. But I like you. I want you. But I want someone who wants me too. I want someone to hold my hand. I want someone to do life with…silly things and big things. You’re not there. You’re trying to get things together. I don’t want to talk to other people. I want to just hide away for a little while. I don’t want to talk to other guys or meet other guys. I just want to breathe and be alone for a little bit. I need to get over the idea of you. You were great but if it’s going nowhere I need to move on.
Some days I just feel stupid! When I talk to you I feel stupid! Have you ever had that happen to you? I should have said something to you or maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. Maybe I should just ignore you. Maybe I should just pretend like I never got the message. Because we talk and inevitably I end up feeling stupid! I shouldn’t give you an inch. I should trust my gut and just cut ties and leave you alone. You’re cold. I know life is rough for you right now, but I don’t deserve the chill from you. I’ve been nothing but good to you. You say it all the time. But stupid me….when you call I answer and when you text I reply. So stupid! Maybe I’ve said enough and this should just be goodbye. I want to believe that things will get good but you have to want that and I don’t think you do. I think you’re enjoying the wallowing right now and have no intent on trying to fix what’s going on. So goodnight….goodbye….good riddance!
That was my grandparents favorite song. It makes me think of them when I hear it…which isn’t often because who sings hymns anymore??? Anyway! Not to brag or anything….but I had amazing grandparents! They were kind, caring, compassionate, thoughtful, and had a genuine love for people that was unconditional. They showed me what it was like to truly love anyone you came across for no other reason than because you could. You never knew what that person was dealing with on that day or in that moment but you could choose to be kind and gracious. People weren’t always kind and gracious back, but my grandparents were…always. They allowed for human error. They knew the world did not revolve around them and being kind even to people who weren’t was always the best way to handle things. I love the legacy they left behind. I love that so many people will still come up to me and tell me stories about how kind and caring or silly my grandparents were when people needed it most. I know I fall short of the example they set on a daily basis. But I try. I try to remember that I don’t know everyone’s story or what they are going through in the moment. I try to be kind regardless. They left such an amazing legacy of love and I hope that I can continue that…even in my imperfect state!
Be you…the world will adjust. I love it. You can’t change your life or yourself every time someone else doesn’t like part of who you are or what you have to say. You don’t need the world to like you. You don’t even need that guy/girl to like you! If they don’t like you just how you are…they probably aren’t worth your time anyway. You need to like you.
I don’t always like me. It’s hard some days. I worry that I’m doing it all wrong or that I’m going to screw something up that can’t be fixed. So I try my best. When I fall short, and I do fall short, I admit it. I’m not perfect. I’m not trying to be, but I do want to do good. I want to help when I can. I want to listen when someone needs it and truly hear what they’re saying. I want to hold you up when you just can’t bear the weight alone anymore. I want to be the call you make when you aren’t sure who to call. I want stand with you when you feel like the world is against you. I want stand up for you when you can’t stand up for yourself. I want to be that kind of person because I had that kind of example. I grew up with some amazing role models and they were just themselves. The world adjusted…it became better by just having them in it.
So April is Sexual Assault Awareness month. There is a campaign called “Red My Lips” to bring awareness to sexual assault. As someone who has experienced sexual assault it was amazing to hear other people’s stories and realize we all deal differently. Just because you didn’t report doesn’t mean you weren’t assaulted. Because she screamed but you cried doesn’t make your assault less traumatic. Too many people want to tell you how to act or react to a sexual assault. There is no one way to react. Everyone deals with stress and trauma differently.
I didn’t report him. I didn’t want anyone to know what happened. I didn’t want anyone to look at me differently or treat me differently. I wanted to pretend like it never happened. There was the small matter of the bruises you left on my neck from where you choked me. The other bruises where easier to hide, but these ones stuck out. A little makeup and a turtleneck mostly covered them. My doctor didn’t even know about it for YEARS. All she said to me when I did tell her was a quick scolding about not reporting him. I want to scream at people when they say this to me. You weren’t there! You weren’t the one who thought you were going to die! You didn’t have him choking you! When he left that morning I locked my door and cried. Then, because I’m a mom, I went upstairs and picked up my babies and got them ready for the day.
Red my lips. There is no right way to respond. There is no one way to cope. Talking helps when the people you talk to are open to hearing your story without judgment. Please don’t feel alone. There are more of us than you think, and that is a sad statement. Please don’t let it take you down. Life gets better, but for awhile it is hard…I won’t lie. So do whatever helps you heal without harming yourself or others.
I hate that I am always the one to tell you no. Of course I’m always the one! He’s not around and never has been so I’m the parent you get and I have to be the one to say no. I resent him a little for that. When he still came around he would always say yes….nothing was off the table. It’s easy to say yes when you’re only around for 4 hours a year! He’d spoil you with trips to various stores, ice cream, and parks, which I loved that you got to have fun with him. I just wish he got to share in the “no”.
You both get mad at me….at different times for different reasons, but you both get mad at me. It’s hard to get mad at someone who isn’t around. It’s even harder to get mad at someone who always lets you have your way whenever they are around. What is there to be mad about?? But then he started forgetting about his promises and skipping out on what little time he did see you. Still you weren’t always mad so much as you were sad. You cried, heartbroken sobs with big crocodile tears, and again he got to miss out on it. I was the one who picked up the shattered pieces every time he changed his mind.
This summer, on your birthday, he said he wanted to give away his rights. You overheard him and were devastated at first. You both cried but you also both got angry. For the first time, you were both truly angry with him. He called a few days later when he had calmed down and said he didn’t mean it and he never said it. Then you let him have it! You called him a liar and said you were mad. He pouted and told you not to be mad. That’s when I let him have it! I am here day in and day out and you get mad at me all the time! He can handle your anger for once! Especially since he deserves your anger!
I love you both more than you know! I will be the one to say no and will of course say yes too! But I love you both enough to be here every day. I hope that’s enough! As much as I wish he could share in the “no”, I’m glad I don’t have to share you with him.
It’s been so long since I’ve been on here I don’t even know where to start. So I guess I’ll start with today. I’m exhausted from sick kids this week and am ready for a break, but there are no breaks for single moms. There is no one else to tag in when the going gets tough or the kids have been up all night coughing and sick and you just need sleep!!! Don’t get me wrong, I know I chose this life. I wouldn’t change anything, but I would like some sleep.
Today there was an auction at their school and they both won an item! It was like Christmas. They were beaming! I’m glad I have these moments with them. I’m glad I can be present for these times. There were so many things I missed when they were tiny because I was going to school to make a better life for them. It makes me happy to be there now and make these memories. I love them. If you know nothing else about me, know this, I love my children fiercely. I guess that’s all for now.